indulgence is bliss

long weekend spent in a lovely lovely hotel...

i should never forget the necessity of indulgence in life.

glitter and wish

i check my old email on impulse and amidst the nylon magazine updates, the invites from social networking sites, the random spam scattered amongst it all, i find a small reminder from blogger, like a small pearl pin half-lost in a tangle of curls.

spending a good half-hour reading about myself when i was an intern makes me mourn for the woman-child i was. i took myself for granted, the girl who could turn everything - from spilled coffee to pneumonia - lovely with a spark from her fingertips and a new pair of shoes.

i would give all my years of post-graduate medical training up to be that girl again. if wishes could come true.

and, because i hope i haven't lost all vestiges of her, i will gather my words up and start writing again.

back to work

after three weeks of shopping, watching audrey hepburn films, and gloriously lazing around, it's time to study again. *small sigh* in a way, it's more difficult this time as most of my friends are going into residency and study groups are a thing of the past. no longer can i rest my brain by texting and whinging to other people and receiving consolation in return... or viceversa. im actually already behind in my schedule by two or three days, but i just could not rouse myself to brew the coffee, open the books, and take out the highlighters, the pens, the pencils. but. we must keep calm, and carry on.

the banana books

always, in days of hibernation, or in the first moments of vacation, i hide under the covers and devour books. it doesn't matter if they're old or new; although often i have a stack of new books under the bed just waiting to be read. the linens however must be freshly laundered and ironed so they're still warm when i dive back into them, and a pot of tea just within reach. the last few days have been devoted to banana yoshimoto, who writes so cleanly and crisply that it's possible to believe the impossible. i just finished rereading four of her books: kitchen, lizard, np, and amrita.

an excerpt from amrita: "dawn was breaking as we said good-bye. i saw her off by watching her small body disappear into the background, her high heels clapping along, echoing in the early morning city. my drunkenness, the sunrise, the bright sky, and a friend who was leaving. if i had died in my fall i would have missed that morning - that splendid sunrise over Tokyo. "

the posthibernation days

it's super to be back. after four months of an unplanned hiatus, this poor thing finally becomes updated. and i am now a fullfledged physician, license number and all.

for the past two weeks after the results have come out, ive watched my friends enthusiastically plan for and apply for residency. and i went and hid in my little attic, having decided to toss my hat in the usmle ring. the earliest match is 2011. i cant believe im facing two years of absolute nothingness. as always, in the first days or so, i was thrilled with the prospect of doing nothing. i think it'd still be fun if there were just one person doing nothing with me, or earning nothing with me. ive noticed that being unemployed is disastrous for my credit card. not only do i earn nothing, but there are so many hours of the days begging to be filled with shopping. already ive a new pair of black beribboned espadrilles, the topshop new york distressed tee ive been dying for since march (went on sale), a striped man's shirt, sergio rossi flats (yes, sergio rossi rarely makes flats but when he does its super), striped linen shorts, and two dozen new books (i just eat books up during hibernation).

reading back, this post sounds depressing. *makes an effort to perk it up* among other things, i think i shall do morning walks daily. it was raining today and a morning walk after coffee was wonderful. i hope it rains everyday, sometimes i absolutely cannot stand the sun. the problem is that it takes me half an hour at least to get dressed. apparently i do not own appropriate walking clothes. so far my walking outfit consists of black linen capris, men's oxford buttondown shirts, fitflop sandals, and ten thousand blisters. *laughs at self*

these are what other peoples' morning walks involve:







mine are not as gorgeous, but still worth getting up in the morning for.

all scarlet begonias and a touch of the blues

This summer’s heat is broken only by rare fragments of rain, just barely enough to flood rain gutters and restore birdbaths. I’m finally moving out; I’ve to repack and restore this house into its previous pristine state. It’s amazing how many memories these years can contain. Repacking your life in cardboard boxes and putting three years x infinity in storage; only half-heartedly wondering what comes next. I’ve one week to go before I leave; more things have been thrown away than packed. Old film festival posters and tickets, heavily scrawled-in calendars, dog-eared novels, dusty Wellingtons, and forgotten winter coats have been forsaken for a turquoise Olivetti typewriter, old toe shoes, and my grandmother's scarves. This girl believes in traveling light in theory, but she's not certain just how much more her overburdened heart can hold. Perhaps I'm finally meant to stay still, collect dust, grow roots.

c'est tiptop!

a while since i've updated, and even then it's only to announce that i've blown away all my food money on topshop this weekend. it seems that everytime i go in i find something new i must have. last week i bought an electric blue corset top with oyster pleats like you wouldn't imagine. very look-at-me! and a darker blue chiffon tank top trimmed with black lace. yesterday i went back and bought a bright blue cotton scoopneck top with satin trim and a plum one for my sister, as well as a good white oxford buttondown to replace the one i've been abusing for years and a huge oatmeal pullover that will look so good with my skinny jeans and pumpkin ferragamo loafers. i was about to get the coolest madras top from topman, only to remember that i have to pay for my diploma and transcripts monday.

now, im copying my friend's kaplan dvds to save on the review classes. yes, quite. i'm skimping on my education so i can look good while studying. this makes sense only to a select few, of course.

with love and squalor

ah, gynecology. the domain of the most paranoid, hormonal residents in the hospital. what, the patient's bleeding??? get an h&h stat! reserve blood! get a line inserted! get the blood! wheres the blood? wheres the blood? did you get the blood?

i think i shall go for a haircut and brow threading tomorrow, then buy the thickest fashion magazine in the racks just to calm down from tonight's duty and prepare myself for the abounding radical hysterectomies.

blood and peanut butter

so i've been coughing and sniffling for about a week now, and i think it's time for me to wake up and smell the honey and lemon tea. i've tried stopping smoking, swapping coffee for tea, antihistamines. and then i woke up yesterday and could not swallow. hello antibiotic regimen x 1 week. cigarettes and coffee i miss you.

emergency room duty last night was a bitch. this emergency room physician calls us up and coordinates a transfer because of patient's preference and i'm all, okay, let's have the endorsements because i'd rather have it from you than the ambulance doctor. so he goes: patient is a 55 year old female brought in because of right sided weakness etc etc etc bp controlled, gcs 13 given mannitol and citicholine etc etc etc. a simple case of stroke.

lo and behold, as the patient is brought in, i realize that bp control means that the patient is very nearly hypotensive. compressible pulses. we do an ecg and it's STEMI. damn you emergency room doctor. damn you for not telling me about the 3day history of chest pain and your nSTEMI diagnosis in your provincial hospital. your patient would kill you for this if she were not in cardiogenic shock.

oh well. that's that. i'm going to go off and have crunchy peanut butter and orange juice for dinner as i haven't any other food in the apartment.

keep calm and carry on

i've been too desperately busy during the holidays to post -- a frenzy of social activity sliding suddenly and seamlessly to a week, two weeks of this punishing surgery rotation. and it would not be so difficult if the residents were not so, well, paranoid, obsessive-compulsive, full of themselves. there is this one resident in particular, (and i'm sorry for taking this quite personally), whose personality is as terrible as his face.

in a related note, i've been telling myself that it's past time to begin studying for the board exams; in fact, this would be the perfect time to panic. however, progress is still not being made as this girl is literally exhausted by 12 midnight exploratory laparotomies, 6 am hospital rounds, and the incessant sarcasm, bitchiness, and general powertripping of the superiors. i'm more and more certain that as much as i thrill to the sensation of surgical instruments in my hands, the training environment doesn't quite overcome it. trying to make myself feel better by shopping every time i get out of the hospital. however funds are so desperately depleted by the holidays
that i won't be able to keep it up for the next weeks to come. but. we must keep calm and carry on.

ALSO! and perhaps more importantly: im working on a chapbook, partly to address this personal financial crisis, partly to take my mind off work, partly to make something of the poetry i've been scribbling on and off for the past years. it's to be roughly 20 poems long. however, i want it to have a personal touch in the binding and so forth. any help or ideas about handmade binding for chapbooks would be greatly appreciated as i have a limited budget and cannot afford to send it off for professional finishing. i was thinking of hand-stitching it with gold thread but i've gotten multiple needle-stick injuries from my previous attempts. paper isn't quite as supple as skin, to say in the least. so currently, am considering just stapling it then hiding the staples with a satin ribbon and so forth but it seems too terribly slapdash. again, any ideas would be dearly appreciated.

a tally of materialism

my november acquisitions:

1) an enameled turquoise and tangerine floral bangle from hongkong
2) the bigger bottle of coco mademoiselle (gone are the days of skimping on scent)
3) regulation white shirt from agnes b
4) white lace camisole from aero

am currently undecided between getting these locally made electric blue satin flats with black velvet poufs at the toes vs a new zippo lighter. or perhaps forgoing both for the sake of wonderful christmas presents for all! (ive felt rather self-indulgent lately and with good cause--)

we'll see how tomorrow's duty goes (singularly alone in the hospital wards, at the mercy of any and all pediatric patients.)

a calendar of days

there are hours in this patchwork calendar when
thin-soled and restless
you feel you can walk across water

then there are days
doused thickly with aubergine
when suddenly you're drowning in your tears.

the great indoors

it's the first time in seventy-odd days that i've had a whole day off -- luxuriously squandered in bed followed by the most fattening brunch ever while watching funny face. i don't think life can get much better than this. especially when you factor in the tiny detail that i'm on nursery duty tomorrow. ("pedia intern on duty! {insert antibiotic name here} push for baby-so-and-so...")

the pursuit of happiness

today's best things:

1. a new mac eyeliner. (it tends to smudge a little bit, but i think i shall use it at night to create an unintentionally smoky eye.)
2. pale peach nail polish
3. incredibly smart residents
4. being able to keep up with incredibly smart residents
5. a free lecture and dinner on the embryology of the physician
6. kani salad and sushi at said dinner
7. raining at dusk

seven is an excellent number. all in all a very good day for miss margaux.

"now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." - apollinaire

cardigans&skirts&love --

there's something about september that always makes me want to run out and buy sweaters to burrow in. it always seems like the perfect month for the softest cardigans and glossiest skirts; i think new england was built specifically for september. i spent the whole morning from duty devoted to cardigan-hunting. {i could have been a bear in a previous light, with my penchant for hibernation. hello goldilocks.}

ruffles! and mohair! this blumarine concoction reminds me of the frothiest pastries.

i particularly adore the robin's egg blue-ness of anthropologie's glenallen cardigan,
as well as the utter lushness of prada's ruffled plum cardigan.

tracy reese does floral gorgeously in scarlet, and tops this creation off with a beret.

i couldn't resist throwing in something so charming from the sartorialist

omg flamingos!&plaid! by eley kishimoto

the glossy blue against that cream is irresistible. adam and eve does it again.

and finally, charles nolan sends us off to uni in what may be the smartest outfit ever.

september sailing

{photograph courtesy of nymag.com}

Just looking at this picture makes me forget how much my feet hurt
after running around in the hospital all night. Have a gorgeous morning!

can you keep a secret?

today is one of those days when i'm faced with a blank screen and have absolutely no idea what to write on it. so i've decided to post a list of all secrets i can think of in five minutes, just off the top of my beflowered head.


1) i occasionally throw perfectly edible food away because i can't stand seeing it in the fridge.
2) i don't know anyone who doesn't like the song nothing's gonna stop us now by jefferson starship.
3) sometimes i think i go to work and pretend to know things when i really don't know what language they're speaking in.
4) pandas freak me out. hence i could not watch kungfu panda.
5) i got a temporary lifeguard job by pretending to be a varsity swimmer. (i can swim, just not varsity-like).
6) i faked knowing several languages in my resume.
7) i talk to myself when i'm alone. out loud.
8) i only went into medicine because i couldn't think of anything else to do after college.
9) sometimes, all i really want is to be a trophy wife.
10) i once went three days without eating anything other than skippy crunchy peanut butter.
11) i think new shoes and cupcakes can solve any problem.

the fake fashionista

{audrey hepburn as seen in Gap ads}

embarrassing but true: there are days when i feel like i can live on Gap clothing from weeks to an end and not mind. going to a Gap store makes me as delighted as going to, say, Topshop. or going to a frilly cupcake shop. so much for couture all day, everyday!

almond soy milk and sleep

{photograph by marcus kazmierczak, 2005}

this was how i felt on the way home -- i was supposed to update properly but
have just realized that i am too tired to do so. i can almost taste sleep on
my tongue; it vaguely resembles almond soy milk in flavor.
good night!

the trick is to keep breathing

well. as was aptly predicted by myself several posts ago, neurology rotation ate me for july and spat me out only several days ago for august, half alive after days and days of ct scans and mris, stroke conferences, rounds (and rounds and rounds and rounds) with my trusty neuro hammer, 6am call times, DNRs, and gallons of coffee. hemiparesis, anisocoria, and status epilepticus be damned, im now in radiology rotation and still breathing. that is, if my pneumonia doesn't get me first. i have a niggling suspicion that it might be pseudomonas from too much close contact with endotracheal tubes, but im willing to give azithromycin a fighting chance.

and on to other things: i haven't been online much since june, except for infinitesimal sneak peeks at the sartorialist when i'm supposed to be looking for online journals to present in conferences. i went back today and, well, this suits my day perfectly. the partly quizzical, half sulky look {blame it on the fact that i'm breathing forty times a minute to compensate for my shredded lungs}, the grey grey day, and still! the royalty of that blue! i adore it and only wish i'm as well-attired for my daily battle. but alas, im still out on my terrace at this late hour, bundled up in my oversize l/s oxford shirt and little else. listening to tiny dancer whilst having tea with my cheetos. perhaps tomorrow will be a brighter day.